Incentives
The Holy Water of Free Enterprise
George Franklin takes a humorous look at the world of economic development with politicians, corporations and a cast of rogue characters all wallowing in the government trough in the name of capitalism and free enterprise. Incentives is a book of pure unadulterated fun filled with laugh out loud moments. It is an uproarious, entertaining, comical story of the hypocrisy which
permeates public policy today.
If you like the genre of Carl Hiaasen or Christopher Buckley you will love Incentives! Nothing is sacred and everybody and everything is fair game.
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Excerpt: CHAPTER ONE
Explaining or apologizing for the weather was just part of the job, but it sure got tiresome. Hell, everywhere has one season when it is too hot, too cold or too something, but that reality was lost on most prospects who only seemed to care about the cold. Today would be no different.
Slate-gray sky, 17 degrees, slight wind from the northwest and a chance of flurries. Quite a place to try and recruit business, thought Red Johansson as he pushed the garage door opener button on his black 2018 Buick Regal. Only American metal would do in Michigan.
Red Johansson had been President of Battle Creek First, the economic development arm of the City of Battle Creek, for nine years. As the home of Kellogg Company, it was the self-proclaimed cereal capital of the world and so promoted by that pitiful sign on I-94. Not much to work with, but at least it was the capital of something.
He was off this morning to meet another prospect at the W.K. Kellogg Airport, which usually entails a plane load of pompous corporate types all vying to be the most obsequious to whoever was the ranking company officer on board. They, in turn, would prove their mettle by being obnoxious, difficult and generally rude to the economic development official who had come to meet them, in this case, Red.
Part of girding his loins for this type of arrival was a stop at his favorite coffee shop, the Brownstone, for a shot of java. He liked the Brownstone because it was real, not like the phony Starbucks with made-up corporate names for large, medium and small. His whole professional life was putting up with corporate BS. So why start the day with it?
“Hey, Red, you are here early for a Monday. Prospects coming in?” bellowed Chuck, the always upbeat owner of the Brownstone as Red stomped the snow off his feet by the door. How in the world does this guy stay so positive, much less make a living doing this, mulled Red before answering. “Yes, some oil guys are coming in looking for fracking sites over on the lakeshore. Guess we are going to become the new North Dakota. Might as well since it is fricking liquid gold.”
“Better be careful with that, cautioned Chuck. The eco-terrorists are going bat shit over that issue, and it has become the cause célèbre and a big fundraiser for them. They have the Hollywood types and other crazed liberals all jumped up about it even though they really don’t have a clue what they are talking about. I must admit it does make me a little nervous not knowing what it could do to our water supply. Look at those poor bastards in Flint. We don’t need another one of those.”
“Don’t worry, Chuck,” retorted Red. “There have been hundreds of studies commissioned by the American Petroleum Institute, all of which confirm fracking does no harm, and one even says it causes hummingbirds to
become bigger and more numerous. How can anybody be against that?”
“I don’t know, Red, but just go slow with this one,” warned Chuck.
“Okay, okay, I get it. Now how about my usual large, and jack it up with an extra shot of caffeine. I think I am going to need it with this group.”
Red Johansson put on a good front, but the reality was he was beginning to hate his job and the corporate boot lickers he had to deal with. He and his wife, Ingrid, had moved to Battle Creek after attending St. Olaf College in Minnesota, where they had met as the only two white students majoring in African American studies. They had hoped to open an Afro Sheen Hair Franchise in the College’s Swedish Cultural Center to cater to the six members of an African American student body but for some reason could not get the support of the administration of St. Olaf. Red then decided to join the family restaurant business, which was an “all you can eat Swedish buffet” located across the street from the Minnesota Vi-king’s football team training camp. Perplexing as it was, costs always seemed to exceed revenue, and the restaurant went bust. Another in a series of financial failures by his father, who had poignantly named his son “Red” after exclaiming at his birth, “This will really put me further in the red.”
The business world had not been good to him. He was adrift but still self-confident. He was a natural sales-man, having been told for years he could “talk a dog off a meat wagon.” All he needed was an opportunity. Plus, maybe a dog and a meat wagon.
Finally, it came to him late one night watching world wrestling on cable TV. An infomercial for a correspondence course in the fast-growing and exciting career field of economic development. The course only required an up-front payment of $500, which fully qualified for the federal student loan program and could be paid back over 25 years. The course itself was taught by “expert instructors and practitioners in the field” and “guaranteed you a certificate of completion” within two weeks, after which you would be ready to enter the “fast-paced life of an economic developer.” The commercial ended with the one-time student driving off into the sunset in a Corvette convertible with a Dolly Parton look-a-like in the passenger seat.
“Ingrid, this is it,” screamed Red to his wife, who was upstairs watching reruns of Dr. Phil. “Let me have your Visa card — mine is maxed out — so I can get in on the special TV promotion by calling within the next five minutes. This is a moment that can change our lives.”
“Oh my God,” exclaimed Ingrid. “The last course you signed up for in Logistics Transportation and Mass Distribution resulted in a part-time job driving a Good Humor truck in Minneapolis the two weeks before Christmas. Why is this going to be any different?”
“Listen, Ingrid, you have to have faith in me. This course will open up a whole new career. It will expose me to the captains of industry, the movers and shakers of the free enterprise system. It will teach me how our capitalist system really works.”
“And how will it do that?” asked Ingrid.
“It tells you how to get money from the government.”
“Oh shit, here we go again. Take my Visa.”
“I love ya, sweetheart.” Red dialed 1-800-YES-FREE.